Now, I’m aware that she’d had some trouble with Madison in the past. As far as I could tell, they had repaired their relationship…and now this. I didn’t know what to do about it. She won’t tell me about their fight, what Madison did to deserve my wife’s wrath. Of course, her wrath wasn’t just reserved for Madison. She gave me plenty of hell too. I was as patient with her as I could be, luckily its something I’ve always had in spades. When I married Kennedy, I promised that I’d love and support her no matter what obstacles we faced. Even now, when she pushed me away at every opportunity…I would stay by her side.
Don’t think that I’m not in mourning over our child. I have to stay strong for her. That’s my job as her husband. I am supposed to be her rock. Believe me, all I’ve ever wanted is a family of my own. When we were trying and trying to have a baby…I wondered if it was me. As far as I knew, Kennedy was perfectly healthy. I admit to not knowing a lot about the female reproductive side of things…but aren’t those problems a little more apparent? Maybe it was me. Maybe I’m just half a man.
I can’t think about that now…all I can think about is my wife and how to get her better. If I can get her better then maybe I can finally let my own pain show. Maybe my heart will stop breaking. If I can get her better then maybe everything really will be okay again.
* * *
We received an invitation to Madison’s wedding…Kennedy tore the invitation into shreds and sent it back. It was childish, and it was starting become more than I could handle. She screamed at me, she ignored me…she didn’t want me near her or to even touch her. I’m not talking about sex, that’s the last thing on anyone’s mind right now. I’m talking about a stroke on the cheek, a hug or even just holding her hand. I want to comfort her and I want to help her…but she won’t let me near her.
I struggled with figuring out why she was treating me thus. I knew she was in pain, but I didn’t know what was going on in her head. If only I could get some sort of glimpse into her world. If could see what was going on, I could figure out the best way to help her…but how?
* * *
“You missed a very lovely ceremony. Your sister’s new wife is a very beautiful and sweet young woman. She and Madison love each other very much.”
“How nice for her. Once again, she gets the perfect life. Everything is always happy and peachy keen for Madison.”
“Resentment is unbecoming on you, Kennedy. You know not everything is perfect for your sister. She had a harder time growing up and now you’re having a harder time now. Just have faith that it will get better.”
“Don’t you get it? It will never get better. There’s something wrong with me, I can’t have a baby!”
“Did you ever think that maybe that maybe its not you? Maybe its me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me! Did you stop and think about how anyone else felt? You think I liked watching you walk into that bathroom, only to come out in tears? It was horrible. You may have been living it, but you forget that I watched you live it. What you feel, I feel. You’re my wife, Kennedy. I couldn’t get you pregnant, either. Just think about that for a while.”
I had never spoken to her so forcefully before. Yet, I didn’t regret it. It needed to be said to her. She needed to know that I was suffering along with her. I had stormed out of the room…it wasn’t something that I typically did. I usually kept myself calm and focused. I didn’t want to ever leave things unresolved. This time, i had done everything I could. She was the one who would have to make the move to resolve things.
I peeked back into the bedroom a few minutes later and saw that she had fallen asleep while writing in her diary. I pulled it out of her hands and walked out of the bedroom with it. I placed it on the kitchen table and went into the bathroom to take a shower.
A nice, hot shower and a shave later, I felt wonderful…physically anyway. Emotionally I was still completely torn up inside. With my wife, it was like watching a sinking ship. The boat was going down with no chance of me stopping it..and yet here I was sitting on the deck bailing water. I can’t let her go down. If only there was some way for me to get inside her head. If only I could see just how to fix her. I’m not a mind reader and i know she wasn’t made with a user manual. I quietly opened the door to the bedroom again. She was still fast asleep. I wished I could read her mind…to know the key to getting her through this. To keep her from shutting me out and pushing me away.
I paced in the kitchen. I was about to wear a rut in the floor when something on the table caught my eye:
It was Kennedy’s diary…the one she had started to keep her family’s story alive. In it, she recorded her most inner thoughts…no doubt the source of her torment. She wrote in it diligently, every day. Perhaps I could…just take a little look. One tiny peek to see if there was something I could do to help her.
I was torn between potentially betraying her trust and confidence…or potentially saving her. She’d never forgive me if she knew I looked…at the same time, if it held the key to my grieving wife’s heart…I’d never forgive myself for not looking.
I walked over to the table and casually traced my fingertips over the cover of the book. I slowly picked it up, as though it were made of the most fragile crystal. I opened the cover and traced my fingers over the pages. I flipped it towards the end of the book where she had been writing the most recently. As I flipped an entry caught my eye. It was about the two of us and that night that we made love on the kitchen table. I pulled out the chair, sat down, and began to read.
Dun dun dun.
So, I dedicate this chapter to a certain Miss Cait Styxlady, who helped to pull me out of the rut I had written myself into. Thank you so much for the brilliant idea. ❤
So, what do you think will happen now? 😉